Mom, Mom, Mom #37: Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll (or Raising Teenagers Today)

This is the latest Mom Mom Mom column scheduled to run in Thursday’s (June 25) Alameda Sun.

Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll

My oldest girls, twins, “advanced” from eighth grade to high school this month. It was a momentous occasion with lots of dressing up and cheering and even a few tears from good old MomMomMom. I say they “advanced” because that’s what Alameda’s Lincoln Middle School called the ceremony—an Advancement, as opposed to a Graduation. Without having any official reason for this, I am assuming that it is because a graduate “receives an academic degree or diploma,” (so say several online dictionaries) whereas my girls just received a handshake and a certificate of advancement into ninth grade. In other words, Girls, you are not finished yet.

Certainly, they are well aware of all the hard work and opportunities the next four years hold for them. Their mother is aware, too, and it’s keeping her awake at nights.

Of course, it’s hard to believe that my babies are teenagers, but, really, it just doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in their shoes, wrapping up grammar school, putting it all behind me and growing deeper into my teenage years. Well, it was a long time ago and many things have “advanced,” let’s just say.

I think we are feeling similarly, my girls and I, about this next stage of our journey together. We are both a little apprehensive and curious. How will they do in high school? Is it really the big, scary place everyone talks about? Are there lots of sex-drugs-and-rock-n-roll and who knows what else? And, most importantly, how do they continue to grow up in a healthy way dealing with all of that? (Okay, so that last question is really mine.)

As I have contemplated these worries, I had an epiphany. I am getting old, but there was a lot of sex, drugs and rock and roll in my time. I had older brothers and sisters; I had some wild friends. Yes, I know the drugs are different, you say, and although today’s society has a far more lenient approach to sex, the chance of pregnancy is always an issue and there are now sexually transmitted diseases that did not exist in the 1970’s.

What gives me both hope and pause is the major difference between today and the 35 years it’s been since I entered high school. Today, my children are far more educated on what’s out there than I ever was. They’ve been in programs that openly discuss drugs and alcohol, and the potential destructive effects of both irresponsible casual usage and deeper addiction on a person’s life. At the same time, their mother actually talks to them about things, like, well, sex, drugs and rock and roll. (I really prefer the music conversations to the other two subjects.)

In my family growing up, we kids did not share much of anything with our parents. I was the most vocal of my siblings, but certainly, neither my mother nor my father knew much of what was happening. We all lived under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of policy. So, even if my parents did know, they faked it, preferring to stay in the dark.

I am not naïve enough to think that my children tell or will tell me everything that’s happening in their lives, but I do believe that I am far more prepared to handle whatever my kids throw at me than my mother ever was—if only because I actually talk to them about these things. I ask the questions that my mother couldn’t even dream of, with her limited knowledge of the world. I’ve also seen more of the world, both good and bad, than my parents did.

Unfortunately, none of this makes me an expert at raising teenagers. And, okay, so I am not really that confident about what lies before me and how equipped I am to handle it. I am actually quite intimidated and overwhelmed by the limitless potential for I don’t know what might happen.

I do know this:  I want high school to be fun for them, not necessarily the best years of their lives, but really good, happy, memorable times. And, maybe let them share some information and have a few conversations to keep their old Mom in the loop.

Whiz Kids – The Class of 2009 Takes the Lead

Here is a link to the cover story I wrote for Alameda Magazine on graduating seniors. Jennifer Hale did a marvelous job on the photography!

Here is the lede:

With seven high schools and about 4,000 high school students, Alameda can be a tough place to stand out and take the lead. This year, 14 graduating seniors have done that, leaving a legacy that might be tough to match. In their busy lives, their accomplishments, as well as their dreams and aspirations, range from ranking No. 1 in their class, receiving National Merit Scholarships and winning football championships to overcoming learning disabilities and becoming a single mom with a dream to be a pediatric nurse specializing in neonatal intensive care.

Recurring themes throughout their stories point to much hard work and determination as the secrets to their success. Please meet Alameda Magazine’s class of 2009—its members could very well eliminate any doubts you might have about the latest up-and-coming generation.

Read the rest here.

Mom, Mom, Mom #36: Make it Harder

It’s been a busy time. Here is the latest Mom column, that ran in the Alameda Sun on Thursday, April 23, 2009. Here is the link (in case you’d rather read it on the site). As usual, I welcome any and all comments.

Make It Harder

Just the other day in the car, I caught the end of a broadcast of City Arts & Lectures on KQED. Somebody was interviewing Malcolm Gladwell, the best-selling author of such books as Blink and Tipping Point. In his latest book, Outliers: The Story of Success, he explores how luck, skill and hard work affect your chances at success.

I didn’t hear the entire interview, and, unfortunately, there is no podcast or MP3 version of the discussion online, so I can’t listen to it again to get direct quotes. We will have to actually listen to NPR to hear the interview again.

Gladwell was taking questions from the audience and during this time he actually had an “a-ha!” moment. He was talking about how 30% of all entrepreneurs had been diagnosed with serious learning disabilities at some point in their lives. He pursued this statistic to say that it was because of their desire and willingness to work hard to overcome their challenges that these people succeed in business (and life). He gave several examples of this situation and noted that these people have learned the right skills (delegation, oral communication, etc.) to get ahead. (On the flip side, the same percentage of people diagnosed with learning disabilities end up in jail, but let’s stick to the positive here.)

Gladwell went on to say that maybe if we make it difficult for our kids, purposefully give them some hardship to overcome and work through, it would be the best education we, as parents, could provide. To paraphrase, he said that maybe our country’s educational approach should shift from trying to provide as much as possible to our students, to taking opportunities away from kids in order to help them become successful.

His comment made the audience laugh, but he challenged them to stop laughing and actually take in the astounding thought. By not providing more to your children, actually giving them less and making life harder, you might help them grow into successful adults.

It became my own “a-ha!” moment and offered a sense of relief for always feeling that somehow I am a bad parent. I think it’s natural that parents want to make their children’s lives better than their own. We want to give them opportunities we never had, eliminate the struggles and hardships. Some people actually call it progress. Think of the parents who survived The Great Depression. They did not want their kids to endure the same hardships. At the same time, great things happen because—just as Gladwell noted—people pushed and worked through hard times, resolving in Scarlett O’Hara fashion that “This will never happen again!”

In my case, I have carried some strong guilt about the divorce and the effect it has had on my daughters. It was at that moment in the car, I shared the epiphany with Gladwell. Maybe having to deal with their parents’ divorce offers my daughters a hardship that will help them develop skills left dormant if they lived with married parents. With any luck, it will be organizational skills culled by living in two separate homes. But, based on the state of their bedrooms and the constant driving back and forth from house to house picking up forgotten items, that hasn’t manifested yet. Or, perhaps they will develop exceptional people skills refined by having to negotiate terms at each location.

It’s a long list of possibilities and the thoughts made my day brighter, but it’s clear I haven’t figured all of it out yet. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the rest of their childhoods and keep watch, acknowledging a step forward when they overcome obstacles on their own.

The Mom Timeline

Here is a piece I wrote for MediaPost’s Engage: Moms newsletter, called “The Mom Timeline.” I added the live links to this one.

Mom, Mom, Mom #35: Saving the Earth Gets Messy

I didn’t realize that it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I am busy on Twitter (@mommommom), though, if you are interested in tracking me. This is the latest Mom Mom Mom column and is scheduled to run in the February 26 edition of the Alameda Sun. (I will post the link when it’s live.)

Saving the Earth Gets Messy

My sixth-grader came home from school recently and informed me, with a tiny glimmer of fear in her eyes, that someone in school declared the doom and destruction of the earth in 2010 due to global warming. He read it on the Internet or something to that effect. I laughed it off, telling her that if every prediction of the end of the world were true, we wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen talking.

When she left the room, a little relieved, I turned to see my own form of doom and destruction due to global warming. My kitchen is a mess. More so than usual, that is. In our own humble efforts to extend our lives beyond the next few years, our entire kitchen has turned into a mini-recycling station—and a not very organized one. This is garbage we are talking about here. And it isn’t pretty.

We have many recycling projects going at the same time. In addition to keeping the doom of our planet at bay, we are also trying to get something in return for consuming stuff. In one corner of the room are shopping bags full of plastic and glass bottles and aluminum cans waiting for their trip to the recycle station. My eldest-by-less-than-a-minute twin daughter is hoping the cash refunds will contribute to paying for her own trip to Washington, D.C. with an organization called Close Up. Recycling hasn’t been very lucrative so far, but every little bit helps.

In another corner of the kitchen is the actual garbage can (lined with recycled trash bags) and next to it is a brown paper grocery bag filled with table scraps and food. I am looking for small recyclable bags that fit the small green bin that Waste Management provided to carry organic waste out to the large green bin. That little green bin just gets so incredibly nasty; the brown paper bags are better for now. On any given day, a glass jar or tin can bound for the recycling bin sits on the sink, getting rinsed out for its eventual journey through the land of green. The rain we’ve been having is great for our drought conditions, but contributes to my kitchen’s clutter as the waste usually kept outside is inside staying dry until garbage day.

The point of the multiple recycle stations is to reduce the amount of actual garbage we create. The recycled stuff gets, well, recycled somehow, somewhere.

I am not the only one who struggles with keeping a green kitchen clean. Renee Marx, whose kitchen is otherwise pristine, keeps her food scraps in a decorative ceramic bowl on her sink and struggles, too, with where to put recyclables. My Dad in New Jersey has to tie piles of newspapers together and keep them separate from the plastic, from the cardboard, from the glass.

Jodi O’Neill, a single mom based in Cleveland, Ohio commiserates with my plight. “I keep missing the every-other-week recycling pick up. Plastic bottles line my counters and are taking over my garage!” she told me.

Meanwhile, my sister in Vermont with her husband, five children, two dogs, three cats and rabbits has figured out the ultimate green circle of life. On the kitchen counter next to the sink is a large metal bowl. Throughout the day, as they complete each busy meal, they toss food scraps and debris into the bowl. At the end of the day during last summer, the scraps got tossed to the hungry pigs in the sty behind the big garage that looks like a barn. When the pigs grew large enough, they were sent to slaughter, with the meat ending up in the family’s giant freezer and then on to the table in the form of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Now that it’s winter and the pigs are gone, the food scraps get tossed into the big compost pile behind the chicken coop. The pile is frozen right now (yes, they have several feet of snow in their yard) but once it thaws, it provides fodder for the garden they’ll start growing in the spring when it thaws. In a few months, their garden will be full of vegetables that make it to their table, and, well, I think you get the picture.

It would be tough to emulate my sister’s lifestyle here, considering we are trying to be vegetarian and there’s no room for pigs or chickens. Still, I am working on green ways of my own. I am working on the plan for a Victory Garden in our tiny back yard. It will be a challenge for my brown thumbs, but it’s important to put in the extra effort to being green. Then, our food scraps can go to our very own compost pile.

In the meantime, my kitchen will remain a mess, all in the name of saving the planet and keeping us around a little longer.

Mom, Mom, Mom #34: New Year, New Me

Happy 2009 to all. Here is my latest Mom column that ran in the New Year’s Day edition of the Alameda Sun (my favorite newspaper). Here’s the link to the Sun Web site.

New Year, New Me

There are three times a year when I think, okay, let’s just get on with it. It’s when I am in a hectic phase of life, feeling overwhelmed and in need of a change. Most of it revolves around my kids’ schedules, of course, and I am sure that will evolve as they get older. But, for now, it’s just the way my life is.

One of these times is at the end of the school year, in the May/June timeframe. It’s just plain crazy. The heightened sense of school ending, sports seasons ending, life-as-we-know-it ending for the summer break. Yeah, summer, let’s just get on with it! Things will be calmer and it’s vacation time! Longer days mean more time to enjoy life and to accomplish things that I don’t get done during the school year. I always think things will be different during the summer. Well, they are and they’re not, but it’s summer. All things for me are good in summer.

The next “let’s get on with it” time of year is August/September. Please let summer be over, right now, is what I am usually thinking after 10 weeks of quality time with the girls and no set schedule while I try to work. Let’s just get on with school, with homework, new activities, the next level of knowledge. The girls need structure, or maybe it’s me that does. It will be another exciting adventure for them and back to the grind (with a welcoming attitude) for me.

The third time is now, January and the New Year. Honestly, I’ve been finished with “The Holidays” since Halloween when the decorations hit the stores. I am through with all the chocolate (really, I’m serious) that we’ve been eating (since Halloween) and I’m ready to move forward. It’s a new year and another chance to create a new me, and, well, yes, things are going to be different this year. I mean it.

Many people spurn New Year’s resolutions, but I welcome them. I consider the New Year an opportunity to reinvent myself—even if it’s just a tiny bit. Each year, I resolve to get it, something, anything, right. Eat healthfully, sleep more, write every day, give up vices, encourage good behaviors—even if it’s only for a few weeks, I get a taste of the endless possibility of my life, if I choose to work for it a little harder than I did before.

I believe that New Year’s resolutions are an important part of life, especially for Americans. We are a people of second chances. Our country was founded by groups of people taking their chance on a new life. Even more so, California is a state of new beginnings. How many millions of people, including me, move here specifically to start fresh, taking on new challenges and leaving an old life behind? Be it for the weather or the opportunities, Americans, and Californians in particular, have the propensity for second chances in their DNA. Just like me.

This year, my list of New Year’s resolutions is long and I’ve decided to break it down into 12 months. Spreading out the resolutions over the course of year means that each month I can have a new, fresh start. It makes the prospect of time passing more exciting than scary and depressing.

The first resolution? Bump up my exercise plan to the next level of fitness. I even got a pair of boxing gloves. They are pink! I can’t help thinking they are a symbol of taking on new challenges, with a little bit of fun.

 

Medical Guide: Dementia, ADHD and Dental Care

Check out three stories that ran in the December Medical Guide issues of Alameda and Oakland Magazines. I would like to thank everyone I interviewed for these pieces.

http://www.eastbaymedicalguide.com/media/East-Bay-Medical-Guide/

Here are the articles, which I will split into three separate posts (eventually).

East Bay Medical Guide »  Annual 2009 »  Coping With Dementia Coping With Dementia Warning Signs by Mary Lee Shalvoy     It was about six years ago, while longtime Alameda resident Robert “Bob” McPeak was enjoying his retirement, when his family began to notice some changes in his behavior.     “Slowly, over time, we noticed that he was growing more forgetful and where he once was really self-motivated to get things done—projects around the house, for example—it was taking some prodding and nagging on our part to get him to accomplish things,” explains Paula Whitton, his daughter.     As time progressed and the situation worsened, Whitton and her family had McPeak, 78, undergo a comprehensive series of medical tests and psychological assessments. First, his doctors labeled his condition mild cognitive impairment. Eventually, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, a brain disorder first described by German physician Alois Alzheimer in 1906 and the most common form of dementia.     Dementia is the broad term for a general decline in a person’s mental abilities that is severe enough to interfere with daily living and activities. It affects memory, problem solving, learning and other mental functions. A variety of conditions fall within the category of dementia, including injuries to the brain from tumors, head injury or stroke; diseases, such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s; or long-term alcohol dependence. Often, depression is mistaken for dementia, especially in older patients.     Roberta Tracy, program director of the Oakland-based Bay Area Community Services Adult Day Care, has been a social worker in senior services for more than 20 years. Bay Area Community Services operates Adult Day Health Care programs in Berkeley, Hayward and Oakland, which provide compassionate care for seniors with dementia. Tracy lists many warning signs, including:     • Recent memory loss;     • Difficulty performing daily tasks;     • Problems with language—confusing everyday words or using wrong words (Tracy had one patient who kept “saying ‘air’ when she really meant ‘water’.”);     • Not knowing the time, date or where they are;     • Getting lost easily;     • Poor judgment, such as forgetting to put on a coat when it’s cold outside;     • Trouble with abstract thinking, such as being unable to balance a checkbook;     • Confusion involving everyday items, such as putting the teapot in the freezer;     • Extreme mood swings and personality changes with no explanation.     “Sometimes these signs are coupled with depression because the patient is aware of what’s happening to them,” Tracy explains. Often the patient’s spouse works hard to compensate for the symptoms, too.     Whitton corroborates Tracy’s observations by citing examples with her father.     “He would get frustrated easily and react by being annoyed and cranky, which is really unlike him. He’s always been very happy-go-lucky,” she says.     Once family members realize that there might be something wrong, Tracy says it’s important to get early diagnosis to get the right treatment.      “Sometimes these symptoms can be caused by over-medication or mixing the wrong medications, and it’s critical to rule these situations out,” says Tracy.     Through early detection, McPeak’s doctors carefully prescribed medication to combat the advancing symptoms of his disease. And, although there is no cure for Alzheimer’s disease, paying attention to the warning signs—and then acting on them—has given the McPeak family a little more enjoyable time together. Closer to Home Organizations Alzheimer’s Services of the East Bay, www.aseb.org/ Berkeley: (510) 644-8292; Hayward: (510) 888-1411; Oakland: (510) 268-1410 California Caregiver Resource Centers,www.californiacrc.org   General Resources Books When Your Loved One Has Dementia: A Simple Guide for Caregivers, by Joy A. Glenner, Jean M. Stehman, Judtih Davagnino, Margaret Davagnino, Margaret J. Galanter and Martha L. Green; 2005. What If It’s Not Alzheimer’s?: A Caregiver’s Guide to Dementia, by John Q. Trojanowski, M.D., Lisa Radin and Gary Radin; 2008. Health Agencies and Web Sites Alzheimer’s Association, www.alz.org, (800) 272-3900 Family Caregiver Alliance, www.caregiver.org, (415) 434-3388 Dementia.com, www.dementia.com   East Bay Medical Guide »  Annual 2009 »  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Tools for Understanding by Mary Lee Shalvoy     Ryan (not his real name) was frustrated. Before he was diagnosed with ADHD—Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder—he struggled to get through each day in the classroom and then each night trying to focus on getting all his homework finished. Like most children diagnosed with ADHD, Ryan has difficulty with attention and learning, which can lead to additional problems in behavior, social skills and self-esteem. His mother, also frustrated, worked diligently with Ryan’s teachers and schools to have him tested and diagnosed, and to get him the right tools to succeed.     “It’s a full-time job sometimes. Kids are mislabeled as bad kids and disruptive when it’s not their faults,” says Ryan’s mom. “ADHD kids need tutors and extra attention. They are dealing with low self-esteem and depression—all while just trying to be a normal kid.”     Depending on which expert you ask, anywhere from 3 percent to 8 percent of school-age children are affected by attention-related difficulties, the result of a neurobiological disorder related to problems with the dopamine neurotransmitter systems in the brain.     Symptoms of ADHD are many and far ranging, making the disorder difficult to diagnose. Ryan’s mother notes that he had a poor attention span, weak impulse control and hyperactivity or restlessness. Other symptoms include fidgeting,  blurting out and interrupting, forget-fulness, difficulty organizing, and avoiding activities that require long periods of concentration (like homework).  There are several subgroups of ADHD; not all include hyperactivity.     “Many parents don’t want their children to be labeled ADHD. As a parent, you don’t want your kid to be different in any way, and you want them to be successful,” says Mary Lanctot, a special resource teacher in Alameda. However, she notes, diagnosis is the first step to getting ADHD children on track for success in school and life skills.     Poor nutrition, ineffective parenting, drugs or allergies do not cause ADHD. There are other medical conditions that can cause ADHD-like symptoms (such as severe head trauma, thyroid problems, fetal alcohol syndrome and lead intoxication). A professional evaluation should be obtained to rule out other medical conditions and to diagnose the issue properly. In some cases, doctors will prescribe medications to  alleviate the extreme symptoms of the disorder and help get students on track. Other aids include behavior modification and working with parents and schools.     “It can make a world of difference when a parent works together with the teacher to help the student,” Lanctot says, adding that taking care of the disorder will help prevent absences from school, as well as serious social and behavioral problems as children grow older.     Lanctot believes that much can happen in the classroom to help ADHD kids stay organized and complete important tasks. These tips work for both teachers and parents:     • Make eye contact with the child.     • Have the child sit close to the teacher and close to the parent/tutor when working on schoolwork.     • Understand what kind of learning styles the child uses—is he visual, auditory or tactile/kinesthetic?     • Be very specific when giving instruction or directions.     Getting the help he needed has made an incredible difference in Ryan’s performance at school and in his day-to-day life, but that’s not the end of the story.      “This is something that he will always be working on,” says his mom. “We’ll be working on it together.”  Closer to Home Organizations CHADD of Alameda County, www.chadd.org, (510) 581-9941 East Bay Learning Disabilities Association,www.eastbaylda.org, (510) 433-7934 Events AD/HD Awareness Week (September)  General Resources Books How to Reach and Teach Children with ADD/ADHD: Practical Techniques, Strategies, and Interventions,by Sandra F. Rief, M.A.; 2005. Parenting Children With ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach (APA Lifetools), by Vincent J. Monastra, Ph.D.; 2004. Health Agencies and Web Sites Attention Deficit Disorder Association, www.add.org, (856) 439-9099 Children and Adults With Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder,www.chadd.org, (301) 306-7070 All Kinds of Minds, www.allkindsofminds.org, (888) 956-4637 OneADDplace: The Source for ADD and ADHD Information,www.oneaddplace.com The National Resource Center on AD/HD, www.help4adhd.org

East Bay Medical Guide »  Annual 2009 »  Your Family Dentist

Your Family Dentist

The First Line of Defense

by Mary Lee Shalvoy

    When Don Trester visits his dental hygienist, Jo Ann Galliano, three times each year, he knows that he is doing more than just getting his teeth cleaned—he is setting up his first line of defense in his overall healthcare.
    Galliano checks his glands, takes his blood pressure, checks his mouth and gums for lesions and works on getting him to stop smoking and chewing gum. Trester, who lives in Alameda and is a transportation engineer for the city of Oakland, relies on these regular visits to Galliano to help keep him in good health.
    “She is very thorough and diligent about checking for things in my mouth, looking for any signs of trouble,” Trester says. Galliano sends him to his doctor as soon as she spies anything suspicious.
    “The hygienist is usually the first level of detection for a number of health issues,” explains Galliano, program director for the Chabot College dental hygiene program and a private practice hygienist in Alameda. “Research shows that oral health and system health are intrinsically linked. As a result, we’ve started to change the mentality that dentists and hygienists only deal with the mouth.” 
    According to studies conducted by the American Academy of Periodontology, the mouth-body connection is strong, indicating that periodontal bacteria can enter the blood stream and travel to major organs and begin new infections. This situation contributes to heart disease and increases the risk of stroke as well as the risk of giving birth to a preterm, low-birth-weight baby for women. It also poses a serious threat to anyone whose health is compromised by diabetes, respiratory diseases or osteoporosis. New studies also indicate a link between oral hygiene and rheumatoid arthritis.
    “We used to think that bad teeth and a bad heart were just the result of bad eating—that heart problems and gum problems were tied to a bad diet,” says Alameda dentist William Gardner. “But now we know that there is a definite link between coronary/heart disease and periodontal [gum] disease. We’ve found that these diseases are managed better if teeth are cleaned regularly. Helping control one helps the other,” Gardner notes. In addition to systemic disorders, dental health practitioners can help detect melanomas (skin cancer) in the mouth and provide solutions to alleviate the pain of some types of migraine headaches.
    Both Galliano and Gardner insist that they are not medical physicians and do not diagnose illness or disease.
    “We provide information and refer patients to their physicians. We try to get them to go to the doctor, but it’s really up to them to follow up,” says Galliano.
    And though Galliano hasn’t convinced Trester to completely stop smoking (he’s down to just six cigarettes a day), she did get him to stop chewing gum. But, having her as his first line of medical defense is something he can still sink his teeth into.

Closer to Home

Organizations
California Dental Hygienists’ Association, www.cdha.org, (818) 500-8217

Alameda County Dental Society,www.alamedacds.org, (510) 547-7188

 

General Resources

Books
Things You Should Know About Teeth: A Dental Health Guide, by Benjamin Lee, B.D.S., 2007.

Health Agencies and Web Sites
American Dental Association, www.ada.org, (312) 440-2500

American Dental Hygienists’ Association, www.adha.org, (312) 440-8900

American Academy of Periodontology, www.perio.org, (312) 787-5518
 

Mom Mom Mom #33: Be Thankful for the Past

Hi, All~ 

This is scheduled to run in the Alameda Sun Thanksgiving (11/27) edition:

I spent last weekend clearing out a space in our home office to make room for the piano that joined our family on Monday. In the process, I took the first steps to making peace with my past.

My office has been in need of a clearing for years now, but nothing has really motivated me to do anything but shift the mounds of paper and the boxes full of accumulated stuff from one place to another. Sure, I’ll feel guilty and overwhelmed and try to clean it all out every so often, but mostly, I pack the accumulation up into more boxes and move some downstairs to the storage space under the house. Or, I just try to keep the piles neat—moving them behind doors, underneath the desk, fooling myself into thinking that it looks “lived in.” I’ve even had professional help to clear it all out, but there is only so much someone else can do with your stuff.

After a lot of consideration, I discovered the only spot in the house that can hold the five-foot-long upright Baldwin, which is basically an enormous piece of musical furniture, is here, along the wall behind my desk. Having it come Monday provided a deadline to make an impact and get the office—really this time—organized. I tend to work best under pressure.

I have a history of avoiding organizational activities, but even more so as the years pass. Archiving the boxes of my papers—personal, professional and financial—usually gets relegated to the bottom of the To Do list, right behind making dinner, napping, watching movies, cleaning the bathroom or getting a tooth pulled. The trip back in time is not nostalgic for me; it’s a painful stumble across the minefield of every mistake, every heartache, every boneheaded move in my life. Even looking at the old toddler photos of my now teenagers makes my stomach twinge just a bit. I don’t want to acknowledge how fast the time is slipping by or see the family that once was. I don’t want to see the list of things that never got accomplished. Let’s really talk about denial here:  I have an entire bag of undeveloped rolls of film in the back of my refrigerator from a two-year period that I don’t want to re-live. I am not even sure if I can get them developed. (Does anyone even develop film anymore?) Why don’t I throw them out? Good question. That’s how I got to this cluttered mess in the first place.

Maybe I haven’t thrown any of this stuff out because deep inside I understand that you cannot just throw your past away. It’s a part of you. I can dump the papers in the recycle bin without looking at them, but I know that at some point, that act of exorcism will serve to haunt me. (There is a short story I wrote that got dumped in a clutter-clearing wipeout years ago and I still have not recovered.)

Accepting my past and its mistakes is just a part of life. I don’t think I can move forward until I realize how it has brought me to here, standing in my office, sorting through old photos, old reminders of me and the people I have known and grateful they have joined me for part of the ride. But, how can you be thankful for a past filled with heartaches and lost friends, names you cannot put a face on, children who are growing so fast it’s hard to keep up with them?

With a deadline looming over my head, I dove into each and every box, resolved, toughened up with an unsentimental approach. It’s just stuff, I told myself.

And, as I sorted through the terrible, black-and-white pieces of evidence of my time here, I discovered what therapists call a coping mechanism. I made a decision to do something with each item, even if it was only “just for now.” “Just for now, I’ll put the music CDs in this case.” “Just for now, I’ll put the girls’ photos in these photo boxes and stack them on shelves.” Just for now, I stored away in a special place the photos damaged in a flood in the garage. I found homes for all the chargers and cords that get tangled up on the desk; just for now, I put all the art supplies in a big basket for the girls to sort through. Because, it’s not just cleaning up the clutter on the floor, it’s going to take reorganizing the closets and cabinets to really get the job done.

It takes some time and distance to make peace with your—my—past. I have to admit that I did handle some things well. I have been rebuilding my life and each step has added character. When you leave your past in a box as you live your life, step by step, it gets easier to look back. Maybe I’m not so messy after all.

Just for now.

Here’s to a happy and truly thank-full Thanksgiving.

 

The Dave Barry-Ridley Pearson Show

Pulitzer Prize winning humorist Dave Barry and New York Times best-selling author Ridley Pearson put on a great show at Books Inc. tonight here in Alameda. I was in awe of their talent before this event, but, by the end, wished I could somehow hang out with them, have some fun and try to suck up as much of their writing karma as I possibly could. Maybe some of it will rub off anyway.

Here are two shots. (There were many to choose from.) It seems that they have been collaborating on books for young readers for some time now. The first books are a series, a pre-quel to Peter Pan (I didn’t know it, but we actually have one of the books). The latest book is called Science Fair and it’s a complicated middle school mystery novel. It sounds hilarious and I might have to read it.

They read from the book and then did the famous Mentos-Diet Coke experiment. They make a great team.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diet Coke Experiment

Sarah Palin and Having It All

Okay, so putting Sarah Palin in the headline was kind of cheesy, but it really is the topic of the piece I wrote for today’s issue of the Alameda Sun:

(It’s Mom Mom Mom #31)

Since the nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as the Republican Party’s Vice Presidential candidate, the question of “can you really have it all?” has reared its ugly head yet again.

This usually happens when a woman makes it into the limelight, as it’s a question directed primarily to women—and mothers, in particular. By the media’s standards, “having it all” means having a career, a husband and children, as well as a beautiful home and throwing fabulous Martha Stewart-like poolside dinner parties. (Okay, so I added that last bit, but that’s part of my own personal “having it all” definition. More on that later.)

This time, the question comes up in reference to Governor Palin’s nomination. Before we even question whether the Governor is qualified—through her education, background and experience—to vie for the job of Vice President, we first ask about lifestyle and logistics. It sideswipes the more important issues of her capability and level of expertise. It refers to the fact that she has a high-powered career, a husband and five children— including young ones, a seven-year-old daughter and five-month-old baby boy. She also lives in a beautiful home in Alaska (yeah, I watched the Charlie Gibson interviews and saw them walk down through her backyard to her lakeside dock looking out at some Alaskan mountain). To many in the world, Palin seems to both do it all, as well as have it—all with a big smile on her face.

Somehow, this leads me to a bigger, more pertinent question:  Is motherhood a career of its own? And, if it is, then don’t mothers automatically “have it all”? According to the media, a woman who is married, has all the accoutrements attributed to “having it all,” and has chosen motherhood as a career isn’t a contender for the life we women are supposed to dream of having. Likewise, a woman with only a career and children, but no big house or husband, is lacking, as is anyone in any of the other possible circumstances of a woman’s life, with or without husband, children, the big house, etc., because, as we all know, a man and a career and children complete us, ensuring that we certainly “have it all.”

It’s become an enormous double-edged sword. I believe that our society diminishes the importance of motherhood, its role in our lives as women and how it affects the lives of our children. At the same time, for mothers, the heavy work of infancy and school-age is short-lived, but our role to model a life suitable for our children to emulate—embodying the characteristics, morals and principles of hard-working, wage earning, self-sufficient individuals in society—are long-standing and lasting. These are attributes I want my children to have, but they need to learn how to live this way in their time with me first. What better way than to watch me do it successfully?

I do not endorse Governor Palin as a vice presidential candidate, nor do I embrace any of her politics in any way whatsoever. I also completely disagree with her choice to run for Vice President during the heavy workload time of her children’s lives. I am not saying that a woman cannot work when her children are young. Nor am I saying that a woman cannot be Vice President or even President, for that matter. For me, it’s all about timing and the requisites of being able to do the job. However, I do believe that Palin represents just one example of a woman having it all, successfully, on her own terms. That’s really what it must come down to, that each woman ask the question and try to come up with the best answers:  What does “having it all” feel like for me and my family and how do I make that happen?

My mother was desperately unhappy in her career as a mother; she had no choice at the time. I do believe that she would have been more satisfied with fewer children and a career of her own. My own children benefit from my work financially, of course, for how else would they eat, but also in many other ways. I have shown them yet another way to “have it all.” I consciously choose to work from my home, a hard-earned and won facet of my own personal “having it all.” My life has not turned out exactly as I planned it, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still consider myself “having it all.”

From my perspective, the media’s version of “having it all” (including Palin’s scenario) really means you have a lot of help and a lot of money–to pay for the help and for all that stuff you have when you have it all. By those standards, I don’t have it all right now. While I am perfectly happy with the three kids I have, I need someone who can come over and clean my house and cook my meals every day. Give me that and trade in my minivan for a convertible Mini Cooper and I’ll consider myself “having it all.”